Hair of the Dog
by Linzah
Summary: One night Harley has a little too much to drink while trying to win over the gang. The Joker comes home & is not amused with what he finds.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Batman or any of the characters.**

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Harley stood in the corner of their latest hideout, putting the finishing touches on the décor. She straightened a frame that contained one of her favorite moments with her clown prince.

The smiling faces of her and the Joker beamed up at her while a very unamused and very hog-tied Batman lay in an awkward position just behind them. She sighed and smiled at the memory.

A loud bang made her jump, bringing her out of her pleasant reverie.

"Stan, you bum!" shouted one of the henchman from his seat at the poker table, "I'm beginning to think you've been cheating us this whole time". He laughed and took a long swig straight from the whiskey bottle they were passing around.

Harley shook her head and glanced over at the pile of empty bottles beginning to form.

The boss was out for the night on business with the Penguin, which left Harley and his merry men to entertain themselves on their night off.

She cringed as another man let out an obnoxious belch. Harley had never been much of a drinker, she had never really had the chance. As a gymnast for most of her life her diet had prevented that.

Plus, when she drank, things could get pretty wild. Heck, she was from a long line of drinkers. Something she had shared with the Joker during on of their many sessions long ago. She had convinced herself it was best to stay away from the junk.

"Hey, Harley!"

Rocko, a burly man with a limited vocabulary, was waving her over to where the group of men sat smoking and playing cards.

"Come on over here and relax!"

The rest of the men shot him looks of warning as they kept their heads down, pretending to study their cards. There were a number of rules about the boss's girl, usually they were put in place when someone made a mistake, got too comfortable maybe. Some had the unfortunate luck of being made an example to the rest of the gang.

Once during a heist, Harley had burned a few holes right through her suit when she got a little too trigger happy with a flame thrower. Most of her upper-half had been exposed. The Joker had caught one of their younger and less experienced lackeys staring.

Him and the Joker had gone for a 'walk' later that evening, they had never seen or heard from the poor kid since then. Harley thought it would be better not to ask questions.

"And play against a bunch of you cheatin' goons? I don't think so", Harley said shooting him a look of mistrust, "Besides, how can you even see your cards anymore? You've guzzled down whats left of the whiskey in Gotham", she said shaking one of the empty bottles at him.

He scratched the back of his head guiltily and laughed, "Yeah I guess we might have gotten a little carried away". The rest of the men stayed quiet and continued to ignore their exchange. Harley noticed their silence and frowned.

Huffing, she pulled off her cowl and tossed it onto a nearby chair, shaking out her blond hair. She was getting a little irritated with this group lately.

 _They don't need to ignore me just to save their the necks, the cowards_ , she thought as she dragged a chair over to the table and squeezed between them.

"Listen fellas, I know Mistah J can make anyone a little hand-shy, but lets let our hair down and have some fun together, okay?", she said smiling sweetly at the men seated around her. She batted her eyelashes and raised her hands, "Whaddya say?".

They smiled back and nodded in unison. Harley giggled and grabbed a stack of chips. The girl still had it.

"Sure thing Harley, but if you wanna play with the big boys, you're going to have to drink like one". Rocko was shaking the half-empty bottle of whiskey in front of her grinning.

Harley pursed her lips and eyed the bottle wearily. She peered up at her fellow thugs, and found them looking at her expectantly.

Sighing, she nodded and grabbed the bottle causing the group of men to cheer loudly.

"I usually don't touch the stuff", she said swirling around the amber contents of the bottle at eye level.

"Can't have you sober and making better calls on the cards, need you down on our level" Rocko replied hiccuping. Harley laughed and raised the bottle in a toast, "Fair enough".

They all followed suit and raised their glasses to join the toast.

"Here's to money, fame...and the most handsome, funny, sexy, imaginative, brilliant man - my Puddin'"

Harley brought the bottle to her lips and drained the remainder of the whiskey.

The men exchanged confused glances and ,shrugging, drained their own glasses.

"Woooo!"

Harley slammed the bottle back down to the table and exhaled heavily as the warm liquid burned down her throat and into her chest, warming her cheeks, neck and body instantly.

"Now we can get down to business!" she said happily shuffling a new deck of cards.

"Ah-ah-ah" Rocko said waving his finger, "we have plenty more to go around, don't you worry", he said pulling out two unopened bottles.

Harley groaned and the men laughed. She glanced down at her cards and felt a wave of excitement as a pretty, pair of aces peeked up at her. They handed her a glass and she couldn't help but smile as she watched them relax and include her in their banter.

"Okay boys, let old Harls show you how its done" she said playfully, sipping her drink.

"Well that wasn't a _complete_ waste of my time"

The Joker was unfastening the belt of his jacket as he made his way up the flight of stairs toward their current safe house.

"Old fish-breath may end up having the right connections we need after all" he said to himself chuckling darkly. He began whistling happily as new ideas began to bounce around inside his head. He would need to get to work immediately, he thought as he checked his watch and unlocked the door.

He placed one gloved hand on the door knob and stopped short.

A shriek had rung out on the other side of the door, followed by a familiar gale of female laughter. Only there was something off about this particular laugh.

He turned the door knob and flung open the door.

And if he was right, which he usually was, this particular laugh would mean his naughty, little Harlequin was-

"PUDDINNNN'!"

He barely had time to register the scene before him before a blur of red, black and yellow had leapt across the room and was speeding in his direction.

Luckily he was used to this reaction, although it never had been quite so, _sloppy._ He had made a move to sidestep the rushing blond, but she tripped and crashed into his chest, sending him reeling backward through the door and onto the landing.

"Oof!"

The wind was knocked from his lungs as he slammed into the wall and slid to the ground.

Seeing stars the Joker began to rub the back of his head, pulling his hand away to check for blood. He had barely noticed Harley nuzzling his neck until she wrapped her arms around him and squeezed hard, making him gasp in pain.

"Hiii baybeee" she squealed as she began to plant kisses all along his jaw. He grabbed her shoulders to shake her off and paused, sniffing the air around her.

The strong, stinging scent of alcohol filled his nostrils.

"Pew!" he shouted in disgust, pushing her away roughly, "what in in the name of all that is unholy have you been drinking!? Rocket fuel? Have you been trying to launch yourself into orbit?"

The Joker stood and brushed himself off. He scowled down at her and expected to see tears. Instead, Harley was unsteadily rising to her feet, a look of pure joy etched onto her face.

With surprising strength she pushed him up into the door frame, pressing her body against him and pinning him there.

She giggled and shook her head, "No silly, me and the boys have been havin' a helluva good time waitin' for you to get back" she said, slurring her words.

His eyes filled with fury as she stared up at him adoringly.

"Aw don't be mad Puddin', I never *hiccup* get to play" she said motioning over to the group of men sitting in the center of the room. He felt her small hand tug at the bottom of his shirt and hook one finger in the front of his slacks.

Harley smiled up at him mischievously and tried to pull his head down for a kiss. The amount of alcohol coming off of her was incredible, she must have been at it for a few hours, he thought.

Any chances he had of having a productive night of work was washed down the drain.

He grabbed her by the upper arm and stomped over to the table, dragging her along with him. No one had dared made any sound or movements during their exchange from the doorway. Harley hung limply in his grasp, still smiling dreamily.

The Joker noticed the group of empty bottles and turned his frightening gaze onto the band of solemn men. His cruel smile stayed in place, but his voice was dangerously low.

"So. Everyone has been having a jolly ol' time with me out of the picture, have they?"

The men remained silent but Harley shook her head in agreeance, unaware of the peril they were all in.

"N-no boss", Rocko spoke up from his spot near Joker's elbow, "we just thought, with it being our night off and all, we could sort of make a night of it and.." he trailed off as the Joker leaned close to his face.

"Oh is that right, Rocko? Well why didn't you _say_ so!?" he said cheerfully, slapping him hard on the back. His head fell back as he laughed heartily. The other men looked around at one another and smiled uncertainly.

"Here I was thinking you planned to get rid of me just so you could liquor up my girl and leave me to clean up the mess! On a very important night I might add. You aren't so stupid that you would risk your own lives just for that", he said howling again and clutching at his side. The smiles fell away from their faces.

Harley swooned at the words "my girl" and tried to lean in for another kiss, but he yanked her back.

The men all jumped up from their seats as he withdrew his hand from his coat and brandished a small pistol.

"Actually my friends, I think you might just be that stupid".

"Puddin' no!"

Harley wrenched out of his hold on her and slapped at the pistol, causing it to go off. A smoking hole appeared in the center of the poker table.

"Why you little-!"

He grabbed at her again, but drunk though she was, slow she was not. Harley quickly ducked out of his reach and grabbed the gun while the men scattered. She took off towards the bedroom door on the opposite side of the room, the Joker hot on her heels.

She slammed the door closed behind her and tossed the gun into a nearby bin they had been using as a trash can.

"HARLEEEY!"

The door burst open behind her as she spun around. Losing her balance she fell back against the bed, her head swam unsteadily.

The world before her spun as she lay there. "Oy" she said putting a hand to her forehead.

She heard the click of the lock and sat up to see the Joker slowly turn and begin to advance on her. She blinked several times to gain focus as his figure split into two.

She giggled and kicked her feet, "Two Mistah J's, must be my lucky day" she said hiccuping.

"Oh I don't know about that Harl, I think your luck has finally ran out".

Something in his voice sobered her slightly. Her blue eyes widened as his shadow fell across her figure on the bed.

"Daddy had a lot of work to do tonight Harley" he said in a low voice, towering over her.

Harley froze as he knelt above her on the bed. Leaning forward, he brushed a soft curl of blond hair from her forehead. He could feel her heart pounding as his chest pressed against hers.

Her eyes fluttered closed as he brushed his scarlet lips over her cheeks and down the side of her face.

"You're in trouble my sweet" he whispered into her ear.

"Not only did you completely wreck what could have been a productive evening" his hand snaked its way up to her throat, "but you also humiliated me in front of the others. You took my gun, cupcake". His voice was honey sweet. A tiny giggle escaped his lips as his hand twitched against her neck, "You better than anyone knows I don't like when people take things from me. What do you have to say for yourself, hmm?"

The Joker smiled and inclined his head to listen to her reply. He waited for a whimper, or a plea but heard nothing.

A loud snore ripped through the room causing him to jump.

He raised his head to find Harley sleeping soundly. The fingers that were twitching now closed around her throat and shook.

"WAKE UP IDIOT!".

Harley's arms shot out and wrapped around the back of his neck, pulling him back down into an embrace. He struggled for her to release him but her grip did not loosen. She was still sleeping.

Fury burned through him as she wrapped her arms and legs around his body, restraining him.

"Its okay Mistah J, we'll get a new table" she mumbled sleepily into his chest.

He felt himself crack a smile and quickly let it drop, remembering exactly why they would need a new table.

The Joker sighed and managed to shift into a comfortable position as they lay together. He yawned involuntarily and felt the effects of the last few nights take over him. His body was always in motion, he hated to be still, that was usually when the exhaustion would catch up with him.

Harley mumbled something incoherent in her sleep. Her blond waves fanned out behind her head. The effect was quite beautiful, and all he could picture was slapping her silly.

His mind began to wander back to his conversation with Flipper-Boy. Typically, he preferred to work solo, but their upcoming business venture could prove to be very useful in his next strike against Gotham's caped crusader.

Harley suddenly snuggled closer to the Joker, squirming slightly so that her lips and nose were pressing against his neck. He ignored her and continued to ponder their next move, laying out different scenarios in his head.

Harley shifted again and this time he could feel her mouth making small movements against his skin. _She really has such poor timing_ , he thought irritably.

Her hands tangled in his hair as she began trailing wet kisses up his neck and along his jaw.

Frowning down at her, he grabbed a fistful of her hair and jerked her head back. He watched her smile and bite her lip, eyes half-lidded.

"I'm very, very sorry I was a bad girl Puddin'", she whispered huskily.

"You're very drunk" he said flatly.

"But I can make it up to you" she said disregarding his comment and moving in closer, "I'll be on my best behavior", he heard the zipper of her suit, "I promise".

The Joker raised an eyebrow at her and gave her a sinister smile, "Well where's the fun in that?".

Harley's high pitched giggles filled his ears as he allowed her to pull off his jacket.

An early morning sun was beginning to peek through the windows of the small bedroom. Harley groaned and threw the covers over her face, shielding her eyes from the harsh light.

Realizing she was alone, she blindly reached for her bath robe on a nearby table. Her movements were slow and feeble.

"I think I'm dying" she moaned. Her throat was dry and the taste in her mouth was sour.

"Need...water" she said weakly. She slowly covered her nude body with the robe and bit by bit, made her way off the bed and out of the bedroom.

Their empty hideout was dark and quiet, but her head was pounding so loud there may as well have been the Gotham Thanksgiving Day parade happening right outside their windows.

She took down two large glasses of water from the bathroom and collapsed onto a chair at the poker table. As soon as she had laid eyes on it bits and piece of last nights events played out in her mind. The small hole in the center of the table made her stomach squirm, causing her to moan again and cover her face.

Harley let her head drop onto the table, she could feel the hangover begin to worsen.

"Maybe if I just sit here real still for a few...", she whispered to herself. Soon she was asleep again.

Moments later the door unlocked and the Joker strolled into the room, whistling and carrying a brown paper bag. His eyes landed on Harley's sleeping form.

"Here you are Pooh!" said the Joker, slamming down an object inches from her nose.

Harley's blue and bloodshot eyes sprang open.

"You didn't think I forgot about last night, did you Harley-girl?", he asked innocently.

Harley's look of confusion was quickly replaced with one of horror as she stared at a brand new, unopened bottle of whiskey.

The Joker smiled widely and produced a tall glass. He screwed open the black-labeled bottle, tipped it over the glass and filled it to the top.

"Here you go! Hair of the dog! You should feel better in no time", he said happily slapping her on the back.

She sat dumbstruck, staring at the amber liquid swirling in front of her.

The noise of shuffling papers issued from behind her as the Joker gathered his notes and made his way toward the bedroom.

"Due to last nights distractions, I have heaps, and heaps of work to catch up on". The door snapped shut behind him.

The strong smell of alcohol wafted under her nose. Harley quickly covered her mouth as her stomach clenched once again. Suddenly the bedroom door flew back open. The Joker leaned out of the bedroom, a savage look in his eyes.

"And don't even _think_ about moving from that table until you've taken down that entire glass".

The door closed with a loud bang.

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 **R &R Please!**


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